Hey, universe….your lessons are really getting old.
My stomach was whining for breakfast this week as I waited for a business colleague at the diner. I waited. I waited. And then (brilliant idea) I called her to see if she was running late. Ooops. I never checked that she got my confirmation email. She didn’t. And I had egg on my face I didn’t get to have for breakfast — which was my second meet-up that went awry this week.
Two nights before, I waited for a friend with the aroma of thin crust pizza filling my head. So, I dialed and found out that unfortunately, the date slipped through the cracks. It became instead a date with a sick grandson, hers not mine but totally understood. I ordered slices to go and headed home, annoyed at myself for not confirming BEFORE I left the house. Of course, hindsight comes easy as well as the realization that I broke my perfect record of never having been ‘stood up’. First (and second) time for everything.
Lesson learned: Don’t Assume. (You know what they say about THAT)
Next lesson was not as straight forward but it smacked me in the head just the same. Place settings for one are hardly a catastrophe. And relative to these terrible last months, this lesson was definitely more subtle and hardly tragic but one that I obviously missed in the curriculum: Comfort in your own Company. And I needed to take it stat.
Feeling comfortable just to ‘be’ – without a man, a kid(s), a cat sounds pretty basic but for me it’s a tough one. There was always so much to take care for, worry about and run to that were comforting smokescreens in lala land, guarding against aloneness. Funny how that same aloneness is also the golden ring just out of reach for over-stressed, over-scheduled moms. But when the nest is empty and the check box says ‘widow’, aloneness takes on a way different feel. It’s then, even something as insignificant as a casual missed meet-up exposes your solo Achilles heel.
In another time I would have waited for that friend, that colleague idly checking my Facebook timeline and my watch without angst. Now, sitting starkly alone in public places like a restaurant feels as conspicuous as a neon sign. In the scheme of things it isn’t. It just FEELS that way. Hey, eating in front of the tv doesn’t requires earrings and nice shoes, right?
You might call solo serenity an ‘acquired’ taste – that I haven’t yet acquired but know I need to. Reason tells me it’s ridiculous to think sitting alone in any venue couples gather would be even a blip on anyone’s radar. Nor is sitting or eating alone a groundbreaking phenomenon. It’s purely just a matter of perspective and it’s clear I have to change mine.
The universe’s insistence on constant tests is kind of exhausting — and frustrating. Right now my course load is full. My resources are limited and I’m just trying to put one sandaled foot in front of the other each day.
So, universe . . . have at it!